


heavy words are so lightly thrown

by Anonymous



Category: The Smiths
Genre: Angst, Arguing, Fluff.... kind of, Jealousy, M/M, Reconciliation, the whole works here guys lmao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-14 14:21:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28672170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: title is from 'what difference does it make?' by the smiths
Relationships: Angie Marr/Johnny Marr, Johnny Marr/Morrissey
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10
Collections: Anonymous





	heavy words are so lightly thrown

*

Set 1985.

“Run through soon, boys?”

Mike leant around the door of the dressing room, drumsticks already in hand.

“If you can find Andy, he’s buggered off.” Johnny yawned.

He was sitting on the side, swinging his legs, guitar in his lap as always.

Morrissey was beside him, cross legged, his notebook in hand.

Mike tutted at that and disappeared.

“So how about if we go…. one, two, three…” Johnny turned back to the singer and began to strum and Morrissey nodded, beginning to sing.

_“I would go out tonight… but I haven’t got a stitch to wear…”_

They carried on through the song and Johnny laughed as Morrissey jumped down and began to dance as he sang, twirling around.

A bunch of flowers, remnants from their show the previous night, lay on the side and he snatched them up and began to pose and perform dramatically.

Johnny laughed louder, his playing still spot on and they finished the song with a flourish, Morrissey posing with his hand on his heart.

“Well. That was rather exciting.” he smiled, tucking the flowers loosely into the back pocket of his jeans.

“Very. Wasn’t expecting a full Moz performance.” Johnny smirked. “What an absolute treat.”

“You have seen much more provocative dancing than that.”

“I try not to look, darling. Can be a bit distracting.”

“Ahh.” Morrissey smiled, fluttering his eyelashes. “How very kind of you.”

The door opened behind them then and Morrissey turned, expecting to see Mike and Andy ready for a full run through.

Instead, he was pinned to the spot by the sight of…

“Angie?” Johnny’s voice behind him said.

And there she was, smiling and happy and Johnny rushed over and embraced her.

“What are you doing here?” he laughed, pulling back. “I thought-“

“Surprise!” she smiled, grabbing Johnny tightly. “I wanted to surprise you for your show tonight!”

Johnny grinned and hugged her again before she pulled back.

Morrissey swallowed, rearranging his features into a smile, his heart thumping sickeningly.

“Angie.” he walked forwards and embraced her somewhat awkwardly.

“Oh Moz, how are you?!” she asked happily, squeezing him. “I have SO missed you!”

“Oh you know, getting along. What a… nice surprise to see you.” Morrissey said, forcing his voice to remain light and airy.

He pulled back and rubbed the back of his neck. “I shall leave you two alone, I have to find Mike and Andy anyway-“

“Moz-“ Johnny cut in.

“No, no, honestly. I’ll see you later.” Morrissey said in a false happy tone.

He grabbed his notebook and slipped out the room, doing all he could to avoid Johnny’s eyes.

As the door closed he could hear Angie’s high pitched, excitable tone again.

The nausea and tremors hit him as he walked briskly down the corridor and he inhaled and exhaled deeply to try and keep himself under control.

No matter how many times this situation was thrust upon him he still could not seem to sufficiently cope with it.

Just as he rounded the corridor, Andy appeared, Mike trailing behind.

“You ready for-“

“Angie is here.” Morrissey cut Andy off tightly. “Shall we find somewhere else?”

“Oh.” Andy frowned. “Right, but… we need Johnny?”

“We can do it without him.” Morrissey insisted. “I wouldn’t bother them.”

Andy nodded slowly, glancing at Mike before they headed off for their second rehearsal space, a smaller room.

“Lets just run through anything, I don’t care.” Morrissey grabbed the small studio mic, his hands shaking.

“You ok Mozza?” Mike asked quietly, sitting down at the drum kit.

“Absolutely fine.” Morrissey forced a smile. “Let’s play Reel Around The Fountain? We do not need Johnny for that.”

Andy picked up his bass and Morrissey saw him glance at Mike questioningly out the corner of his eye.

Mike simply shrugged and cleared his throat before tapping them into the song as he always did.

On autopilot and by muscle memory Morrissey began to sing, shutting his eyes as he did.

As the song progressed he felt himself calming down slightly, his mind occupied.

He began to slowly dance around, all too aware of the empty gap next to him usually occupied by Johnny.

They ran through a few songs, Johnny’s presence sorely missed musically but neither Mike nor Andy commented on it.

They were just beginning _Miserable Lie_ when the door opened suddenly.

Johnny walked through, his Rickenbacker in hand.

He paused, glancing between the three before settling his eyes on Morrissey.

“Why didn’t you wait?” he asked.

“Moz said you were busy with Angie.” Andy shrugged. “We’ve only done a few songs.”

“I just had to… say hello to her, I was still ready to practice.” Johnny frowned.

Morrissey avoided eye contact and Johnny slowly walked over to his usual spot.

“If I’m wanted, that is.” he said shortly.

Morrissey huffed out a laugh then, shaking his head.

He picked up the microphone again and glanced at Andy. “Shall we go from-“

“What?” Johnny said suddenly. “Why are you treating me with contempt?”

Morrissey turned to face him slowly.

“How so?”

“Not even bothering to wait five fucking minutes for me?”

“You were busy.”

“No I wasn’t!” Johnny snapped then.

Morrissey swallowed, hurt and pain rushing up his throat again. “You were with your girlfriend-“

“For fuck sake, so you didn’t even wait?” Johnny looked angry, his expression heavy.

“Johnny, Moz was giving you and her space, mate.” Andy offered, glancing between the two. “Lets not fucking row about it?”

Johnny clenched his jaw then and Morrissey swallowed, hot tears clawing at his throat.

He turned slowly and set down the microphone.

“I shall be back in a moment, I need some air.” he said quietly and slipped out of the room.

He felt nauseous and blindsided by Johnny’s anger.

Blindly he pushed his way through the doors and outside, walking around the corner of the building and leaning heavily against the brick wall.

It was a chilly afternoon, the air tinged with frost and ice.

Morrissey exhaled shakily, letting a few tears escape him then.

He knew the situation he had put himself in very well.

Him and Johnny’s _relationship_ on the side was always destined to be difficult and dangerous.

But seeing Angie in front of him, smiling away…

And Johnny’s reaction, rushing to her.

Morrissey reached up, roughly wiping his eyes.How he longed to be at that place in Johnny’s life.

Number one. The most loved, most desired and most wanted.

Instead he only had what Johnny offered him, what the guitarist allowed on his terms.

He heard the door bang behind him then and he quickly wiped his eyes, steeling himself for more shouting or perhaps Mike or Andy…

Of course, it was Johnny.

His angered expression had been replaced with concern and tension as he walked round the corner, laying his eyes on the singer.

They regarded each other for a long moment in silence.

Johnny swallowed and walked forwards. “Moz.” he said quietly.

“I don’t need you to nursemaid me, Johnny.” Morrissey replied.

He knew his voice was hard and closed off but he couldn’t help it.

Johnny stepped closer, his eyes holding a million emotions.

“I’m sorry.” he said. “I… was a wanker before. Look at me, please?”

Morrissey did so, clenching his jaw. “What?”

“I’m sorry.” Johnny repeated, softening his tone. “That was shit for you, I… didn’t know Angie was going to turn up, I wouldn’t just… do that.”

Morrissey huffed out a laugh. “Its no business of mine.”

“Of course it is… Moz, look. Come here, let me..” Johnny reached out then and took his hand.

Morrissey frowned but let him, hunched into himself.

He felt sick and wanted to hide himself away from everything, including his own existence.

Johnny twined their fingers and he pulled the singers hand up to his chest.

“Come back inside?” he said softly. “I want us to rehearse properly.”

“I was.” Morrissey said shortly. “I was completely fine with Andy and Mike.”

Johnny raised an eyebrow.

“So I don’t matter? Brilliant.”

“Well, perhaps that gives you just a small idea as to how I feel.” Morrissey said, voice full of pain.

“Of course you matter!” Johnny snapped then. “Are you fucking joking me, Moz?”

Morrissey squeezed his eyes shut for a second.

“I’m sorry Angie turned up, I know it’s shit for you.” Johnny said, voice heavy. “I don’t… deserve you, us. I just want you to know how much I care about you.”

Morrissey nodded wordlessly.

“How long is she here for?”

“Just til tomorrow morning.” Johnny murmured.

Morrissey nodded and pulled his hand back from the guitarist. “Fine. But do not let me hear you and her and do not… push me, Johnny.”

Johnny swallowed and nodded jerkily.

“Will you come inside with me?”

“Yes because I don’t want to let Andy and Mike down.” Morrissey whispered.

Johnny nodded, studying him.

“I’m sorry.” he offered softly and turned then, walking back towards the studio.

Morrissey followed him, suddenly exhausted and weary of the situation.

Mike and Andy, to their credit, didn’t say anything when the two walked in.

Morrissey picked up the mic and cleared his throat, waiting until Johnny was ready.

“We were just beginning _Miserable Lie_.” he offered.

Johnny nodded, his expression still tight.

He waited until Mike counted them in and they began.

Despite the angst and obvious tension in the room they managed to get through the setlist with no issues, Johnny impeccable in his playing and Morrissey singing without second thought.

They headed back to their dressing room which was thankfully empty.

Morrissey pulled on a cardigan, wrapping himself in the thick material and picking up some water.

He sipped it, aware that Andy and Mike had already disappeared, probably to leave them to talk.

Johnny was putting his Telecaster away in the case, body language still closed off.

Morrissey exhaled and sat down on the sofa, rubbing his forehead.

He felt weary and stressed.

The knowledge that Angie was somewhere around was making him feel unsettled and sick.

“Moz?” Johnny said then.

Morrissey looked up, meeting the guitarists eyes.

Johnny slowly walked forwards and sat down next to him.

“What can I… do? To make this better?” he asked quietly. “Right in this moment?”

Morrissey frowned. “Absolutely nothing.”

“I mean it! What can I do? There must be something I can say?”

“Nothing that you are willing to say.” Morrissey said, meeting Johnny’s eyes. “So there is no point in us having this… _chat_.”

“Would you like me to give you space?” Johnny murmured.

He reached out uncertainly and Morrissey tensed, but allowed him to take his hand.

“I would like to take myself off from this and not have to deal with it. But I cannot.”

“So help me?” Johnny repeated gently. “Tell me what I can do?”

He bought the singers hand up then, kissing his knuckles tenderly.

Morrissey swallowed, eyes closing at the gentle touch. “Don’t, John.”

“Don’t cut me off.” Johnny pleaded quietly. “I’m sorry.”

“What would you like me to do? Or feel?” Morrissey said. “Put yourself in my shoes… in fact, how ridiculous. You would never suffer in my position.”

“I cant tell you how to feel.” Johnny looked miserable now and stressed. “I know I’m not fair on you. I just don’t want you to think I don’t care about you or that I don’t think of you. I’m sorry she turned up here earlier.”

Morrissey nodded mutely.

He pulled his hand away from Johnny then and slumped forwards, resting his head in his hands.

“Please leave me now, Johnny.” he said thickly. “I’d like to be alone.”

“No, Moz.”

“Just go.”

“I don’t want to leave you like this.” Johnny reached out, grasping both of the singers wrists. “I’m worried about you.”

“Worry about your relationship instead, perhaps.” Morrissey muttered. “I have been alone before and I shall survive it again.”

“But you’re not alone!” Johnny moved then, kneeling up in front of the singer.

He pulled his hands away gently, forcing eye contact.

“Please don’t.” Morrissey choked out.

“I care about you so much.” Johnny said, voice insistent. “You mean so much to me, what we have is… so special to me. I don’t want you to think I’m just some absolute wanker who gets what he wants on the side from you.”

Morrissey didn’t speak then, blinking away some tears.

“You’ve given me… more than anyone.” Johnny murmured. “Ok? With you, I’m on top of the world. You gave me _this_ , a job I love with someone I love so much.”

He wriggled in closer, managing to get his arms round the singers neck. “Come here, just gimme a quick cuddle?”

Morrissey exhaled then and relented, exhausted and too invested in Johnny to push him away or refuse what was being offered.

He slipped his own arms round the guitarist and they embraced tightly.

“There.” Johnny murmured, his voice sounding calmer. “You’re ok, darling, you’re ok… m’right here.”

Morrissey sniffled, pressing his face into Johnny’s shoulder.

Johnny pressed a kiss to the top of his head, rocking him gently side to side as though he was comforting a child.

“I’ll go now if you need some space.” he said quietly a minute later. “But m’not leaving just because you think I don’t wanna be with you. Cause I do.”

Morrissey nodded, sighing.

He tightened his grip on Johnny as he went to move.

“Why don’t we… go for a walk in a bit, see the stage?” Johnny suggested quietly.

“Yes. Ok.” Morrissey said.

He pulled back slightly and Johnny gently wiped his eyes, touch tender.

“You hungry, babe? We could… bunk off, get something to eat in a bit?”

Morrissey smiled then and nodded. “Yes. A little hungry.”

“Alright. Listen, I need to go and sort out that amp ok? Be back in a bit and we’ll slope off, just us yeah?”

He pulled back carefully and the two stood up.

“Thank you.” Morrissey said quietly.

“Oh Moz. Don’t ever thank me. You should be calling me a wanker every minute of every day.” Johnny sighed. He paused for a second. “You were amazing by the way, in rehearsal.”

“I don’t recall any of it.” Morrissey sighed. “I was in my own head. Thinking of us.”

“Me too.” Johnny murmured.

He reached out and gently ran his hand down the singers side. “Back in a bit ok? Then me and you are doing a bunking off mission to find some gorgeous vegetarian burgers.”

Morrissey managed a small smile and nodded. He watched as Johnny slipped out of the dressing room and he inhaled and exhaled deeply.

As time went on, he knew he was putting himself in a worse situation.

But how to stop it?

A life without Johnny seemed incomprehensible, unfathomable.

All he could do was take each day and hold onto Johnny’s words in his mind...

He found his notebook and settled down to write, his mind full of a shock of dark hair and beautiful brown eyes as always.

*

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this today in two hours and only re-read it once, so please ignore any hideous grammar and spelling mistakes…… and thank you again to people who kudos and comment, you seriously make my day :)


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